Step Forty-Four

Step 44. I Wish To Know My Own Strength.

This affirmation you may find very acceptable because of your immediate need for it in your current circumstances, but the affirmation is far deeper than you may at first realize. You have far more strength than you have claimed, but it cannot be fully realized until its application is directed in a manner that truly regenerates you and brings forth your true abilities.

How can you approach your strength when you feel weak and helpless, when you feel unworthy, if you are burdened by guilt or confusion or in anger blame others for your own apparent failures? To claim your strength means to release all that holds you back. You do not release your obstacles by claiming they do not exist. You release them because you value something greater. Their obstruction is merely the sign that you must pass through them. Your own strength is then cultivated. You seek your strength, and you use it to find your strength. We wish for you to know your strength and to utilize it on your own behalf.

In your two meditation practices today, in silence and in stillness, attempt to feel your own strength. Do not let thoughts alone dissuade you, for fears and doubts are only thoughts—vaporous things that cross your mind like clouds. Beyond the clouds of your mind is the great universe of Knowledge. Therefore, do not let the clouds obstruct your view of the stars beyond.

Practice 44: Two 30-minute practice periods.

Here you will find the entire book free for download

Here you will find pointers for getting started if this is your first encounter with this practice: Taking the Steps to Knowledge.

December 22, 2012 Round One: This Step speaks to me in a very authentic way today. I feel called upon to return to a writing project I began several years ago and refashion it from my new vantage point, after recognizing and claiming my strength and directing it in a manner that truly regenerates me and brings forth my true abilities. Let the clouds of my mind part and dissipate so that I can see the stars beyond and use Knowledge to guide me where I need to go.

August 15, 2014 Round Two:"Beyond the clouds of your mind is the great universe of Knowledge."

This is so inspiring to me. It is becoming so obvious to me that my personal, surface mind is extremely limited and full of extraneous garbage that only weighs me down, keeping me in the grips of confusion, doubt, and feelings of unworthiness. It is very easy to feel weak, helpless, and unworthy. But beyond the clouds of my mind is the great universe of Knowledge where all things can be known and I can feel my strength.

During the two practice periods I kept repeating the affirmation “I wish to know my own strength.” I cannot say I was rewarded with any superb insights, but the day’s practice did leave me with a feeling that there are certain things I “know” that I feel very comfortable with, certain things that make me feel content in my own skin. So all in all, I feel pleased with today’s practice.

I often recall Marshall's words in this context: "Never doubt what you have always known."

July 31, 2018 Round Three: I am to claim my strength and understand that it is something deeper than I have realized before. To fully realize it, I must apply my strength in a manner that regenerates me and brings forth my true abilities. I must release all that holds me back--my feelings of unworthiness, guilt, confusion, anger and blame of others for my failures. (I feel I have done this.) I am to release all obstacles. I need to cultivate my strength, know it and utilize it on my own behalf. (I am working on this.) I need to get to the crux of things beyond the clouds of fear and doubt. I have a strength I barely know yet, but I am beginning to realize it and embrace it.

First 30-min practice - 5.12-5.42. Out in the greenhouse. The temperature dropped surprisingly low in the night after a hot day yesterday. It was only plus 5 degrees Celsius this morning. Sasha must have closed the greenhouse doors, but it was not warm in there. I had a good practice for the first 20 minutes. I sank deeper into stillness than usual. I felt my mind expanding, widening and deepening. I saw patterns appearing and disappearing behind my eyelids - bursts of light, an eye. But then Volodya disturbed me, he woke up and came out, creaking the door and the floorboards, moving around, into the garden? I hoped he wouldn’t come close to the greenhouse and even look in. He didn’t. But I heard him mumbling to himself - in prayer? I lost my concentration and just sat watching the rising sun playing on the walls of the greenhouse and filling it with a calm, subtle light. It is a good place for stillness when Volodya is not around.

I got the idea to share some of the Russian New Message teachings with Volodya. He wrote a piece about God, religion vs faith, the meaning of life, reincarnation, Man as a source of information to be passed on. Kind of on the fringes of Knowledge.

Second 30-min practice - resting in bed after lunch. Always a good bet that I won’t make the thirty minutes. Sasha was with me, so my practice was not deep. And yes, I dozed off for 10 minutes, so only did 20 minutes of conscious practice. I am strong. I am aware of my own strength. I am no longer affected by what Sasha says, no longer humiliated or belittled by his comments. I am in a stronger place and know that his comments are not Knowledge-based, they come from his surface mind, are frequently fear-based or not justified. He is not a competent source of Knowledge. This is just my own opinion of course. I could be wrong. I could be missing the point. But still I feel I am seeing from a higher vantage point. I am stronger than he is.


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