On two occasions today, spend 15 minutes concentrating upon the idea for today. Think seriously about what this lesson means and call upon your own experience to reflect upon its relevance to your life. Reflect upon what your desire for separation has cost you in time, energy and pain. Realize your motivation for separation and you will know that you want to be free.
Practice 13: Two 15-minute practice periods.
Here you will find pointers for getting started if this is your first encounter with this practice: Taking the Steps to Knowledge.
This is what I wrote down when I did this Step a couple of weeks ago on a getaway weekend to the shores of my favorite fishing lake. I printed out the first 14 Steps and took them with me to contemplate on while I sat on the lake shore and jotted down what came to mind. This was when I still thought that separation meant something else, not separation from God, but separation from the world around me (or is this not the same thing? hmmm, confusing).
“I do not want to be separate, but I do not want to be part of things that do not sit well with me. What does not being separate mean? Could it mean expressing my unique gifts whenever I can, even in situations that disturb me? I could go with the flow in such situations, not resist, but not be engulfed, contribute my own selfness to the whole. I don't have any motivation for being separate.”
To tell you the truth, rereading this, I am now not sure what I meant.
June 29, 2018 Round Three: First practice period - 4.30-4.45 I get this Step now and what it is conveying--I want to be unique, or I think I am unique, so I invest in my separate state, my vision of my life in Separation. I am in a body with a personality and an individual character, so I invest in that and identify myself with those aspects of myself. But in actual fact this is an illusion, this is not real. I am not separate and I am not unique, I am made up of the same “stuff” as the whole and I am an intrinsic part of it. I have a contribution to make to the whole, but I can only make it once I have reached a higher level of consciousness and cognition, once I have realized I am not my individual self, but a spiritual entity without a specific identity. Humans identify too much with their personality, needing validation, recognition, confirmation, praise, honoring. Do I really need to be recognized and honored. Only if it applies to my spiritual aspect, not my physical identity. On the physical plane I do not need this. I do not need the group ethic. I realized that this is why I am resistant to going to Encampment, because I am still focused on my uniqueness and desire to be seen as a separate person. I want to get feedback, I am not at the level where I just want to give without receiving anything in return. That desire for recognition and feedback can only lead to disappointment and a feeling of inadequacy. I understand that the love I will feel from the community will be the same love my Spiritual Family bestows on me, but I do not feel worthy of that love yet in my separate state. So I will act unnaturally and contrived. It will be hard not to compare and judge. So I am still not ready for that level of community, since I still want to be unique.
Second practice period- 15.38-15.52. Out in the garden in the shade of the apple tree. Asking myself, what has my desire for separation cost me in terms of time, energy and pain? It has been painful for me to try and be separate, because I never felt I belonged, never felt comfortable. So I have invested a lot of time, energy and pain in trying to be unique and separate. Now I see that I do not need to be separate to be unique, I am not unique, and I don’t want to be. I am a spiritual being striving to return to my source.